saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
