How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
high people should be assigned attendants
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
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Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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