She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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