Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
