i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
they need to just BURY HIM!
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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