I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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