Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
