She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
