you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
