My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
