two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
