we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
