Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
