Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
