Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
