In the future we'll all be gay
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
