i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize