Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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