were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
