Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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