So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Found your dick twin last night
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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