he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
