I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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