I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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