Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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