he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
