Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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