If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
