If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
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DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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