i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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