Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
