Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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