Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
