Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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