If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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