The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
