The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
