Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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