I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
