can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
