I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
