how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
