I wish my penis had an off switch
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
