i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
