He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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