I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
