My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Please don't give away my fajitas
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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