I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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