Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
