All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
