I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
