This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
