my mouth tastes like poor choices
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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