anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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