just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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