Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
All the doctor said was why
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
His nipple licking is glorious
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