You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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